Slap! Punch! Pound! That was how my life began in my mother’s womb. If I caused her any discomfort or wakefulness in the night, I would be pummeled. I was left to lay in my crib and my waste by the day, cold, wet and hungry. I learned by age 2 not to cry or the result was worse treatment.
Every day I was subjected to physical, psychological and sexual abuse and neglect. As an older child, I would be quietly reading on the couch in my home and would suddenly find myself flying across the room, sliding down the wall to land in a painful heap on the floor.
“What? What did I do?” I’d ask myself. Seeing the question on my face, she’d say “You looked too comfortable!” I couldn’t ask any questions, I never knew what was coming, when, why or from where.
There were no boundaries, precious little appropriate love and no safety, with my mother sending child molesters up to my room most nights. I had no refuge, no stable home once my parents divorced when I was six. We moved often. Sometimes I would be abandoned on the side of the road for long periods of time during our treks across the country. My father was one of my 34 molesters as I was growing up, and my 4 half siblings were often my tormenters too.
Whenever I tried rejecting my mother’s sex-driven and perverted behavior, I was punished. I had no positive role models, so I looked to the neighbors for appropriate behavior. My adult relationships were very unhealthy. Though I managed to miss multiple marriages, and children (that might repeat my abuse-ridden history) and drug and alcohol addiction, I was very confused and miserable. It was my mother’s death in 2004 that caused me to unravel. I had an emotional breakdown and I sought counseling. There were no boundaries there either. It was a nightmare too.
In 2006 I started deep psychotherapy at Shasta Treatment Center. I have now processed out all the abuse with the help of EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization & Reprocessing). I am now learning how to function in the world as a well-rounded human being. Furthermore, I’m getting to know, accept and develop my talents and interests. I am also figuring out how to compensate for my learning disabilities and ADD.
At 32 I am in college, but not sure what I will do with my life. I do know I want to help people and continue to grow myself. What I have shared here is just a portion of my life. I am not devastated, angry, hurt or afraid anymore. It wasn’t my fault and I finally know that now.
I only share my story hoping it will help others. Thank you for your care and love through your donations to United Way. You have made my healing possible.
God bless. Thank you again.
